One of the focus areas of my work has been working with clients through divorce. This work found me when a family law practitioner started to refer clients to me for financial planning during the divorce process and beyond. At the time, we had to adapt our financial planning process for these clients and other clients going through traumatic transitions. Now, working with people through transitions like divorce is becoming a field on its own in financial planning. At the time, I had no idea how deeply personal this work would become for me.
Having been separated for some time and now divorced, I have come to taste for myself what divorce feels like. It has been, as expected, a time of introspection and simply taking small steps forward.
Many of my beliefs remain unchanged: I still believe marriage has enormous benefits, including the financial advantage of building capital together. But also, as before, I recognise that staying married may not always be the best decision for a couple or those affected by their relationship. What has changed is my understanding of how difficult it may be for people outside the marriage to grasp the reasons behind such a life-altering decision - and how challenging it can be to face that lack of understanding at a time when you are already sensitive, as much as one might understand it.
Make no mistake: divorce is not an easy option. It is not an escape. Few people will tell you that they would willingly go through it again. Because of my work, I thought that I understood what lay ahead. But my theoretical knowledge of the path could never have prepared me for actually walking it. Life-changing transitions have a way of teaching us lessons that no amount of preparation can offer.
I have now experienced three of the most life-changing transitions one can attempt during midlife: leaving corporate to start a business, moving cities, and divorce.
Transitions, like divorce or career changes, often force us to walk a path that was not our first choice, whether by our own making or thrust upon us. We are called to make our second-best choice worthy of a good life. This typically involves many decisions – some entirely new, others unfamiliar to face alone – often made during periods of emotional vulnerability, when judgement is more likely to be influenced by emotions than logic.
This is not unusual or even wrong: science well documents how humans operate differently under threat. During emotional strain, the brain’s capacity is consumed by survival instincts, leaving little room for rational decision-making or even handling basic life challenges. It is worth remembering this and factoring it in personally and professionally. I have learned that planning without respecting this emotional state is often ineffective and can, for clients, even be costly.
My work with people through midlife transitions has now taken on a new dimension. Because of my own experience, I have developed deeper empathy for and a renewed interest in the unique challenges of midlife transitions.
If you have suffered loss, you understand that it never really leaves you. However, you can emerge on the other side, hopefully somewhat wiser, with energy for your life and work and gratitude for simply being there on the other side. It is good here, too.
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Kind regards,
Sunél